Struggling with Alone Time as a Mom? How to Actually Enjoy It
The self-care world is buzzing with the advice to “take time for yourself” as a mom. It sounds nice in theory, but can be much harder in practice.
When you finally get a little bit of time to yourself, do you find yourself not knowing how to spend it? Maybe you experience decision paralysis and end up doing nothing. Or maybe you default to the to-do list and productivity.
Either way, you blink and your precious window of alone time is over and you stop to think, “Am I supposed to feel rejuvenated from that?” What does it even mean to pour into your own cup?
If this sounds like you, please know you are not alone. Let’s talk about it.
Why It’s So Hard To Decide
Prior to kids, you had unlimited free time (or at least it feels like that looking back). There was little pressure to quickly decide how you wanted to spend your time and make it count! If you missed your window for today, “oh well, there’s always tomorrow”.
Overnight that all changes. Now, that window of time may come irregularly or you might even have to ask for it or schedule it in.
Your life now is a rapid fire day of naps, bottles, meals, clean up, laundry, and activities. You might lose touch with the silence and slowed pace of alone time. When your alone time is so sparse, it really is challenging to decide between self-care and the to-do list because neither can be fully ignored without consequences.
One thing is true for most moms; productivity can give a sense of safety, especially when you are disconnected from yourself.
Redefine Self-Care
Self-care gets the label of ice cream, bubble baths, and facials. These things are not bad or wrong but they limit the true meaning of self-care.
Think of self-care in terms of what can be added or subtracted that might help you connect with yourself. The important part is the option of subtract. This question helps you identify your cravings or needs. Self-care doesn’t always have to be adding in something.
Maybe self-care is giving yourself the permission to let the miscellaneous pile of items stack up on the counter. Maybe it’s laying on the floor in silence. It could be cleaning or anything else.
The goal here is that the self-care reconnects you back to yourself. A reminder that you are more than just a mom.
The Challenge
The reality is you might have lost touch with yourself and what you like since becoming a mom. When we talk about finding something that makes you connect with yourself, the answer might not be immediately clear.
Even though it’s frustrating, it might take some time and reflection to redefine this for yourself.
Remember that we are not trying to just cut and paste your pre-mom self into current life. The goal here is to redefine and rediscover.
Ideas and Tips for How to Spend Your Time
Pressure to Fix It – Must Know Information
You might be in a spot where your self-care cup is very empty. You might feel pressure to pick an activity that quickly fills you back up in order to fix the problem. Unfortunately, this pressure is only making it harder for you to choose how to spend your time. It’s preventing you from connecting with yourself.
I hear that feeling of desperation to feel better again or to stop snapping at the kids because we are so depleted. We have to be realistic with ourselves though and if your cup is 0% filled (or close to that) and you’re trying to reconnect with yourself after kids, there’s no one quick activity that will fix that.
And that brings me to my next point….
Baby Steps
You don’t need to have it all figured out to start. You don’t even need much time. Take 10 or 15 minutes to do something. It doesn’t have to be ground breaking or perfect. Just start somewhere.
For example, if you used to take Pilates classes four times per week. That might feel like too big a task. Let’s start with a 15 minute walk around the block or stretching while we watch some reality TV. Meet yourself where you are at.
Start with What You Used to Know
A technique used in the therapy world often is to start with the tools you already have and go from there. Think back to how you used to spend your time and experiment with those activities or maybe versions of those activities. Allow yourself to get it “wrong” because we can learn from these experiences.
Make Time for Reflection
In order to reconnect with this new version of yourself we need to stop and listen. Asking yourself questions like these:
“What do I feel like I need?”
“What have I been craving?”
“What sounds fun?”
“Who am I outside from being a mom?”
“What type of activities usually drain me?”
“What do I value at this stage of life?”
“What are the barriers to me connecting with myself?”
Listen to Subtle Cues of Joy
We need to listen closely. The activities might not shout joy in our direction. Most people are looking for loud signals that something is either right or wrong. Keep an eye out for small emotional reactions when you add or subtract things to yourself. These signs can be powerful!
The Guilt Trip
All of us moms know it in some capacity. Mom guilt creeps in to tell us we aren’t doing enough or should be doing something different and how this makes us a sub-par mom. The important thing here is that we might not be able to stop the guilty feeling itself. Maybe long term it will come around less frequently or less intensely. For now, guilt’s here.
Even though guilt is parked in our brain, the power is how you respond to it. Reframing the thoughts that are contributing to your guilt and affirming your choice to take time for yourself is a great starting point.
Takeaway
The experience of motherhood is something that changes all of us both in amazing and really challenging ways. If you don’t know how to spend your alone time, please know this is not a reflection of you doing anything wrong. It can be the growing pains in the adjustment in motherhood.
If you want support navigating finding yourself in motherhood, Julianne Peters is here to help during your journey in motherhood. Feel free to reach out to Julianne to get scheduled and work together!
